Note from Dr. Psych Mom: One issue I often see in couples counseling is a couple trying to repair their marriage after one partner had an affair. Many people who haven’t been in this situation say that they could never take a partner back after infidelity.
While everyone has the right to make their own choices about this matter, and any matter involving intimate relationships, I thought it could be illuminating to hear stories from individuals who have made this choice.
Our first guest post comes from a reader who was not directly in this situation but experienced it firsthand. Her story is very interesting and allows a glimpse into the world of a child whose parents’ marriage is shattered by infidelity.
My father cheated, right after he uprooted his whole family from one country to another. I was 16 years old then.
He fell in love with another woman from work. Moved out and they were separated for a year.
I was devastated.
He initially didn’t even have the balls to explain his actions to his kids, he left it for my mother to explain.
I demanded he explained himself to us personally. When he did, I asked why he did it and to make me understand. Uprooting us and then leaving us. He couldn’t.
I walked to the front door, opened it, and told him to man up and make a choice. His family or this woman.
He cried and said he wants his kids but loves this woman.
So I said, we are a package deal, you have one more chance to choose. But choose the woman again, and walk out this door.
He got up, crying, and walked to the door. When he went through it I said, just as you walked through this door, you just walked out of my heart. Even if my mother takes you back, I will never take you back.
I slammed the door behind him.
My mother underwent intensive therapy. She was broken, but she loved my father.
She knew he was her only. We sat for months and talked and talked. I couldn’t convince her to let him go.
My father went through the motions with this homewrecker. For a year. Eventually, she paled in comparison to my mother and he started trying things on with my mother.
She played her cards well, kept her cool, and communicated with him while keeping an appropriate distance.
One fateful night, my parents went out to dinner on a date.
Turns out that they ended up at my dad’s apartment. The homewrecker found out somehow, went over to the apartment, and stormed in … finding my parents in bed.
She turned and ran out, running straight through a glass sliding door hurting herself severely.
My mother wrapped this woman up, walked her to the car, drove her to the hospital, and waited there until her family arrived. I should note at this point that the homewrecker was also married.
Needless to say, my dad and homewrecker ended things and my dad wanted to come home.
My mother allowed him home after a few months of therapy. This was hard for me. However, through the whole process, I saw my mother grow into a strong, formidable person.
This was 21 years ago.
It was a long road, both for them as a couple, and for us as a family. But we didn’t sweep it under the rug. We tackled it, head-on. All of us.
My father since has become a real father, and my mother is strong and unfaltering. No one walks over her. Yet she has so much style and grace.
Yesterday we celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.
Even then the topic wasn’t taboo.
The learnings of what a real family is, the differences between love and lust and how those lines can easily blur, what is real and what isn’t…Those are the lessons we kids now have to take into our own marriages.
I believe we’re stronger for it. I believe our family is stronger for it.
If it’s right, it’s right. If it is real love … and in this case, thank God, it was.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.